As some of you may know I was in Texas over the weekend attending the Gathering Hope conference. It was a really great gathering for women who have suffered a child loss to come together and honor their children; it was room for moms to share about their loss and speak their babies names. The day focused a lot on how and where women find their hope.
During a discussion I heard a women pose the question "How do we learn to trust God again?" After the conference I sat with this question and thought about it a lot. I assumed (and, yes, I am not supposed to assume) that the question leans toward "can I trust God to give me what I am dreaming of; to keep my kids safe; to allow me another child; to grant me a living child". If this is the question, great. I think the answer would then be is God promising you a child, or another pregnancy? and if yes, then what keeps you from the patience of waiting?
But, I wonder if this is the question that we are actually wanting to answer is, "What does trusting God look like?"
In my book I discuss that after a child dies our relationship with God shifts. I write that on the other side of loss trusting God can feel unsafe. God can feel like "yet another" who let us down. Trusting God, knowing that He is in total control over our lives, and the lives of our loved ones, feels scary after a child dies. It can feel especially scary if we are praying for another child and not having that answered.
"to wholeheartedly pray that we want God's will over our own is where our faith in God confronts our ability to trust him" ~ "hope beyond an empty cradle"
If you are afraid to trust God because of fear of what that means ~ I get it. Go back and remember a time that you did have absolute faith in Him. Hold onto that time.
If you need time, take it. It is ok to be in the process for a time. There is no timeline for healing.